Beauty From Ashes

It was a true gift to hear Kim Nowlin tell her story of Beauty from Ashes. It happened to be the 28th anniversary of the traumatic event of her life that she shared. Her ability to deliver her story with such eloquence and grace really speaks about the peace given to her through Jesus. It is clear that she has done plenty of healing + forgiving by understanding the Lord will use all things for His good as the bible says in Romans 8:28. She reminded us of the importance of embracing our stories and claiming that crown of beauty given to us through the manure we may go through.

Her powerful testimony had me in tears more than once. I am a cryer so that’s not untypical. But if I’m being honest, Kim’s testimony hit pretty close to home for me. I have only told my own story a handful of times and I am positive it was a mess each time. (Like I said, I’m a cryer.) But if Kim is right and telling my story can bring healing, I know I need to embrace it so that someday my testimony would reflect more of the peace I have + the growth I have made rather than a sloppy trainwreck.

I truly believe that anything that is not from the depth in me will not reach the depth in others. That means being vulnerable and boy is that hard for an introvert like me! So in the spirit of living authentically and fearing less, here we go: I was sixteen years old when an ex-boyfriend attempted to kidnap me at gunpoint. I wish I could say it was the first incident, but that would be a lie. What I can say is that I was delivered from death very literally in the sense that his loaded revolver malfunctioned instead of firing in my face. It was my junior year of high school and it changed my life.

That following year was rough, and also full of light. I had to face my perpetrator in court and deal with the public humiliation in my hometown. Sure I lost plenty of relationships, but I found a new identity in Christ after a friend invited me to bible study. I actually don’t remember much of my first bible study session because I undoubtedly cried the whole time. (Hey, some things never change!) In the end, the ex-boyfriend pleaded guilty and was sentenced to twelve years in prison.

One thing Kim said that struck me was “things don’t always happen for a reason but God brings reason to everything that happens”. Amen. I whole-heartedly agree. Some say that hindsight is always 20/20 and in this case I believe it’s true. I can look back and see how I was set apart my whole life. Before I knew Him, He still protected + pursued me. It took me sixteen years, but I finally surrendered to His relentless grace. I now understand that certain things happened in my life because that’s just the way it HAD to happen. Let me explain: I could have not survived or even have a completely different life- a life that I KNOW would not have been as fulfilling as the one I’m living with Jesus. I wouldn’t have been through the counseling or the mentoring. I wouldn’t have known that the way he treated me or the things he said were abusive. I would probably still think that was “love” and never know of true, unconditional love. I definitely would not know my worth. I had to learn those lessons early otherwise I would have ended up more like my mother- still in a cycle of unhealthy relationships with loser men and seeking attention from all the wrong places. So I forgave him years ago. I had to. (As Kim said, forgiveness is not for them.) I just never got the chance to thank him. Thank him because beyond the manure he put me through, I found Christ.

I have always been hesitant to tell my testimony to anyone that didn’t specifically ask. I think because of embarrassment- I am almost ashamed to have ever allowed someone to treat me that way. Embarrassment also because I had to experience something traumatic in order to come to Christ instead of my faith being inherited by Christian parents, like most of my friends. (I know, silly right?) I also never wanted to be labeled a “victim”. But does it really matter when my heavenly father ultimately labeled me “saved”? To live in His truth means to own my story- the good, bad and the ugly. What kind of witness would I be if I never shared the victory that Jesus claimed in my life so many years ago?

Sisters, bad things happen. That’s almost promised in John 10:10 when it tells us that the enemy comes “to steal, kill and destroy”. But that’s not the end of the verse OR the story. If we have accepted Christ we know redemption is possible because He came so we could live life ABUNDANTLY- Not in the shadows. Not in fear of judgment or embarrassment. And definitely not in isolation. Satan would love nothing more than to have you think that your story is too disgusting, or embarrassing, or [fill in the blank].... Especially if that was your journey to salvation!

If you’re dealing with deep hurts that you’re not quite at peace with, girl you are NOT alone. I so wish I could convince you that sharing your story can bring healing but I understand just how personal it is. Do me a favor and stop identifying yourself by how much you have been hurt and instead start identifying yourself by how much you have been saved! The past may seem dark, but the devil can no longer control it once you bring it into the light. Don’t be afraid to let someone [a friend, family member, counselor, even a fellow mama] in so it could feel a little lighter. Let them hear of His works in your life. I promise God will find a way to restore those tender pieces of your heart. It will remind you of how far you’ve come and remind others just how great God is. It can be messy or even a little painful. That’s okay. Just know how beautiful those ashes will be once you embrace your story.

Whether your testimony was a radical and extreme event or a quiet and calm profession of belief, it is beautifully powerful because it is the story about going from death to life. And guess what, it’s not even over! You’re still alive and breathing. You’re still making that daily commitment to follow Jesus. You were entrusted with the highest calling of motherhood. It certainly is a gift that can sometimes feel like the heaviest responsibility, especially in these uneasy days. But take heart! Those are His babies too and He cares for them insurmountably more than we could ever imagine. The best thing you can do for your children right now (besides keeping them clean + at home) is to secure their foundation of faith in Jesus. Encourage them to have a personal relationship with Him but also show them what that means by your own walk. Your children will also experience challenging times and they need you to exemplify how to prioritize Him throughout those circumstances- let them see you get on your knees to pray. Let them witness you diving into His word and hear you singing gospel songs. Let them watch you take care of yourself- mentally and physically- as an act of worship. Teach them kindness and grace. Show them that struggling is just a part of the story, but He is greater and His grace is always sufficient.

Kim reminded us that every relationship worth having is worth fighting for. It would be foolish to believe that a relationship with the King wouldn’t also ebb + flow. And let’s be honest, times like this could really test ANY relationship. We live in an uncertain world but don’t let that shake your faith. Keep the news off and the worship music up. Cling to Jesus, love those babies with all your might and count your blessings. Disconnect from the fear because you have a SAVIOR and He has never lost control. Rest and be still. Spend time with + lean on Him. Things may be scary but you know what is after this life- we get to go home! Never forget that we are in a win-win situation. Our hope is not in the government or the media or our stockpile of toilet paper. The coronavirus is just a piece of our testimonies, not the death of hope.

Let’s take this as an opportunity to grow with each other- as mothers, as families, as neighbors. Socially distant does NOT mean isolation or disconnection. We are in this together, even if we cannot physically be together. If you’re having a difficult time coping, please reach out. That’s why we have MOPS, to commiserate! Just kidding. It’s to steer each other toward Jesus and remind ourselves what He has done for us. Hasn’t He always proven to be faithful and take care of us? Let’s count the victories, big and small, together. Now more than ever, we all could stand to listen to some stories of hope and courage and love. Perhaps share your story- you never know, it could be the encouragement someone needs to hear.

~Ashlee~