Surrender Daringly

Have you heard of enneagrams? For those of you who aren’t familiar, enneagrams are a system of classifying personality types where each of the numbers 1-9 represent a personality type and its psychological motivations. Participants strive to use the enneagram to become more aware of their own psychological fixations, spiritual problems, patterns of behavior, and as a way of relating to other people. I had heard about them before but just recently dove into finding out what my number was. Long story short, I’m an 8 which is often referred to as “The Challenger”. A major part of an 8’s personality is the strong desire to control their environment; especially people. Certainly it’s not my favorite part of my personality, but, oh boy, is it a very LARGE part of who I am.

I have struggled my entire life with seeking to gain control. I have had a life where things have been very unpredictable. I’ve experienced a lot of loss and sadness related to things so far out of my control while enduring a lot of physical, emotional, and spiritual pain. There’s this part of me that thinks, “If I can just control this aspect, things will be better.” Abusive father, parents’ divorce, single mother raising me, brother battling cancer, tumultuous family relationships, friendships abruptly ending, abusive relationships with boyfriends, miscarriages, battles with mental illness, brother dying, autoimmune disease, children with health issues... all these things I have ZERO control over. But, that doesn’t mean that at most times I didn’t fight tooth and nail to gain control in nearly all these situations.

I grew up in a Christian household, accepted Christ at a very young age, went to church, went to Christian schools, was involved in church activities and missions. I grew up knowing God was in control, but I always had trouble giving up my control to Him. I had no problem giving Him my prayer requests and my praises, but I couldn’t give up control. WHY?! Do I know better or do I think I can do better than God, just because I think my circumstances “should” be different or that “I don’t deserve this”? I used to question why these things kept happening. Hadn't I been through enough?! I had this expectation that I deserved a break from the hardships. After my brother’s death, I began to accept that God was using these moments to teach me, shape me, grow me, or use me for his greater good. Well, at least I thought I did. I know that in my heart of hearts because the Holy Spirit is screaming it to me, but I still struggle daily with seeking to control.

Surrendering to God is the ultimate act of faith and the most daring and brave thing you can do in your walk with Him. Think of the freedom of not feeling the burden or pressure to control every situation. To let yourself off the hook from thinking everything is up to you. God asks us to cast our cares and burdens upon him. What are we missing out on by distracting ourselves with what we think we can/should be able to control? Where could that energy be better spent? What message are we missing when our focus is on unhelpful expectations and the need to control?

Being a mother is the hardest job. You wear many hats as a mother. You love so fiercely. You experience 257 emotions every day. The second you become a mother, you are transformed. It is no longer about you. Everything you do is for your child. Their needs surpass your own. You would do anything for your child. You are exhausted. You struggle with the dreaded mom guilt, feeling like you are constantly falling short. You are being tested each and every day by these little blessings that make you want to cry and pull your hair out while simultaneously making your heart melt. But God chose YOU to be the mother to your child. Motherhood is the perfect lesson in control. That is, you have very little control over your child. You can do all the right things, but your little human is a being with free will. You can provide the perfect sleeping environment, but it’s up to your child to sleep. You can provide all the right foods, but it’s up to your child to eat. You can teach them and train them in ways that they should go, but it’s up to them to make the right choices. You are not in control of your child’s life. That statement can be terrifying. Your child is your heart walking around outside of your body and it can be tremendously difficult to see them experience pain or difficulties or struggles. I say all this, not to discourage or be a bummer. I say all of this because I feel motherhood is the ultimate lesson and tool that God uses to refine us. We need not worry or fear because He is in control.

Motherhood has brought me to my knees more times than in my entire life before having children. I have given my concerns, my worries, my anxiety, my fears, my struggles, my transgressions, my pleas, my desires... I have laid them all before him. But why do I still struggle with feeling like I still need to control everything? Maybe it’s just part of my personality- that strong willed, controlling 8. I still hold onto a piece of those things I lay before Him. I struggle with full surrender. But God continues to work in my life. He continues to use the daily struggles of life and motherhood to refine me. He brought me MOPS. He brought me to the blog team. He brought me this message. He is using the Holy Spirit to scream at me that I need to not just give him my worries and strife, but truly and fully surrender them to Him. I need to let them go... *cue Frozen sing along!* When I truly surrender, He brings me encouragement and restores my soul. There are so many challenges in motherhood, I don’t want my worries and constant need to control to add to the difficulties. I don’t need my load to be any greater. I need that weight lifted off my shoulders and to let things go when I give them to God. I need to be bold, be daring, and daringly surrender. I want to be still knowing that my God is bigger than any problem or worry I have. He is always in control. I need only be still and listen and trust that when I surrender to him, He has me exactly where he wants me to be and will guide me through this thing we call life.

-Heather G.

RESPECT

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

Well my Christmas Décor is packed away; the New Year is among us. It seems most people are saying goodbye to the “bad” of 2018 and embracing the hope for 2019. As I take a moment today to reflect on the last 365 days, I can not help and feel contentment.

Personally, I know how devastating this year has been for some of my closest friends. Some have lost loved ones after a long battle with health issues, others have separated from long relationships/marriages, another handful lost the heartbeat of the child they have not yet met but loved so dearly, additional individuals lost jobs, homes, along with hopes and dreams that they had anticipated for 2018.

I know how hard some years can be, some years where you hope desperately, they leave behind all the darkness that year held. I remember having, what seemed to be year after year of devastation. I recall frantically having an DNC the last week of 2012 after learning I had lost my child earlier that month. 2012 had already brought Mom’s cancer and losing a child, was just the icing 2012 needed, so I made sure all the “bad” would stay that year. 2014 Mom died on December 23rd and I was not going to let 2015 have her burial, so we begged and pleaded for us to bury her before the year ended… I know hard years and wanting to leave them behind, so with that I will give myself permission to continue this post.

2018 has brought contentment. Everything was not perfect and rosy, but it was not devastating either. I think for the first time in my life, I have given myself permission to look at the good the year brought, instead of focusing on the bad I was leaving behind.

Our speaker on our last meeting had so many great moments on stage and even though it seemed to be two different areas she spoke about, for me it all undertone one word, RESPECT.

RESPECT- A FEELING OF DEEP ADMIRATION FOR SOMEONE OR SOMETHING ELICITED BY THEIR ABILITIES, QUALITIES, OR ACHIEVEMENTS.

Respect for others is extremely important and not to be taken lightly. I think when we think of this word, we usually associate it with how we respond to someone else. Wendee focused on the word internally; to RESPECT oneself. To allow one permission to put one first and give your being the respect it deserved. All over the Bible, self-respect is talked about.

“I am fearfully and wonderfully made”- would I not respect something that is made wonderfully by God?

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” – would I not respect something God created in HIS own image? 

Why don’t we give ourselves the respect we deserve? Why do we sacrifice and to the point DISRESPECT ourselves, to make someone else happy?

Wendee referenced a line from the book titled 7 Things Every Healthy relationship Needs, “Respect Yourself. Respect is crucial to relational health. And again, you can’t respect anyone else if you don’t first respect yourself.” 

To respect oneself, is not conceded or unloving to another, it is a healthy way to learn to be a better individual. It will teach you how to love others better if you love and respect yourself. If you put you and your family first. She mentions how she leaves for Christmas to allow herself the time she needs to focus on the holiday and respect her external family needs to build their own traditions and not feel the pressure and fear the holidays can bring. This is one of the ways she has helped herself and her family. This may not be for everyone and I know her well enough to know she is not saying to everyone to ditch their extended family on the Holidays. I do believe what she was saying is give yourself the permission to respect your needs and wants during this season and in life in general.

So, I am RESPECTING myself enough to look at 2018 and focus on the good. I am not going to look at what failed, for it is so easy for me to pick on myself and what I could have done better. I am respecting myself enough to say, “Yessie, it was a good year.”

So, what happened to me in 2018, well I grew as a woman. I learned to love harder and seek friendships. We paid off a lot of debt by budgeting and working super hard. I made the decision to close some doors with unhealthy relationships in order for the “possibility” of them to be opened again in a healthier and much deeper way, or for them to remain closed as they might have been toxic. I started to blog and write more, to allow all my thoughts to be put into words and actions. Finally, I allowed 2018 not to dictate me but for me to dictate it!

I recently heard a quote from Gisele Bundchen. “The mind is an instrument, don’t let it play you, you play the instrument!”

What a great reminder of how much we can control our mind and perspective.

So Happy New Year, embrace whatever 2018 had written for you and prepare yourself for 2019.

Let’s start off with embracing this definition of RESPECT.

RESPECT- A FEELING OF DEEP ADMIRATION FOR YOURSELF ELICITED BY YOUR ABILITIES, QUALITIES, OR ACHIEVEMENTS. 

Much Love and Respect,

Yessie J.