Beauty From Ashes

It was a true gift to hear Kim Nowlin tell her story of Beauty from Ashes. It happened to be the 28th anniversary of the traumatic event of her life that she shared. Her ability to deliver her story with such eloquence and grace really speaks about the peace given to her through Jesus. It is clear that she has done plenty of healing + forgiving by understanding the Lord will use all things for His good as the bible says in Romans 8:28. She reminded us of the importance of embracing our stories and claiming that crown of beauty given to us through the manure we may go through.

Her powerful testimony had me in tears more than once. I am a cryer so that’s not untypical. But if I’m being honest, Kim’s testimony hit pretty close to home for me. I have only told my own story a handful of times and I am positive it was a mess each time. (Like I said, I’m a cryer.) But if Kim is right and telling my story can bring healing, I know I need to embrace it so that someday my testimony would reflect more of the peace I have + the growth I have made rather than a sloppy trainwreck.

I truly believe that anything that is not from the depth in me will not reach the depth in others. That means being vulnerable and boy is that hard for an introvert like me! So in the spirit of living authentically and fearing less, here we go: I was sixteen years old when an ex-boyfriend attempted to kidnap me at gunpoint. I wish I could say it was the first incident, but that would be a lie. What I can say is that I was delivered from death very literally in the sense that his loaded revolver malfunctioned instead of firing in my face. It was my junior year of high school and it changed my life.

That following year was rough, and also full of light. I had to face my perpetrator in court and deal with the public humiliation in my hometown. Sure I lost plenty of relationships, but I found a new identity in Christ after a friend invited me to bible study. I actually don’t remember much of my first bible study session because I undoubtedly cried the whole time. (Hey, some things never change!) In the end, the ex-boyfriend pleaded guilty and was sentenced to twelve years in prison.

One thing Kim said that struck me was “things don’t always happen for a reason but God brings reason to everything that happens”. Amen. I whole-heartedly agree. Some say that hindsight is always 20/20 and in this case I believe it’s true. I can look back and see how I was set apart my whole life. Before I knew Him, He still protected + pursued me. It took me sixteen years, but I finally surrendered to His relentless grace. I now understand that certain things happened in my life because that’s just the way it HAD to happen. Let me explain: I could have not survived or even have a completely different life- a life that I KNOW would not have been as fulfilling as the one I’m living with Jesus. I wouldn’t have been through the counseling or the mentoring. I wouldn’t have known that the way he treated me or the things he said were abusive. I would probably still think that was “love” and never know of true, unconditional love. I definitely would not know my worth. I had to learn those lessons early otherwise I would have ended up more like my mother- still in a cycle of unhealthy relationships with loser men and seeking attention from all the wrong places. So I forgave him years ago. I had to. (As Kim said, forgiveness is not for them.) I just never got the chance to thank him. Thank him because beyond the manure he put me through, I found Christ.

I have always been hesitant to tell my testimony to anyone that didn’t specifically ask. I think because of embarrassment- I am almost ashamed to have ever allowed someone to treat me that way. Embarrassment also because I had to experience something traumatic in order to come to Christ instead of my faith being inherited by Christian parents, like most of my friends. (I know, silly right?) I also never wanted to be labeled a “victim”. But does it really matter when my heavenly father ultimately labeled me “saved”? To live in His truth means to own my story- the good, bad and the ugly. What kind of witness would I be if I never shared the victory that Jesus claimed in my life so many years ago?

Sisters, bad things happen. That’s almost promised in John 10:10 when it tells us that the enemy comes “to steal, kill and destroy”. But that’s not the end of the verse OR the story. If we have accepted Christ we know redemption is possible because He came so we could live life ABUNDANTLY- Not in the shadows. Not in fear of judgment or embarrassment. And definitely not in isolation. Satan would love nothing more than to have you think that your story is too disgusting, or embarrassing, or [fill in the blank].... Especially if that was your journey to salvation!

If you’re dealing with deep hurts that you’re not quite at peace with, girl you are NOT alone. I so wish I could convince you that sharing your story can bring healing but I understand just how personal it is. Do me a favor and stop identifying yourself by how much you have been hurt and instead start identifying yourself by how much you have been saved! The past may seem dark, but the devil can no longer control it once you bring it into the light. Don’t be afraid to let someone [a friend, family member, counselor, even a fellow mama] in so it could feel a little lighter. Let them hear of His works in your life. I promise God will find a way to restore those tender pieces of your heart. It will remind you of how far you’ve come and remind others just how great God is. It can be messy or even a little painful. That’s okay. Just know how beautiful those ashes will be once you embrace your story.

Whether your testimony was a radical and extreme event or a quiet and calm profession of belief, it is beautifully powerful because it is the story about going from death to life. And guess what, it’s not even over! You’re still alive and breathing. You’re still making that daily commitment to follow Jesus. You were entrusted with the highest calling of motherhood. It certainly is a gift that can sometimes feel like the heaviest responsibility, especially in these uneasy days. But take heart! Those are His babies too and He cares for them insurmountably more than we could ever imagine. The best thing you can do for your children right now (besides keeping them clean + at home) is to secure their foundation of faith in Jesus. Encourage them to have a personal relationship with Him but also show them what that means by your own walk. Your children will also experience challenging times and they need you to exemplify how to prioritize Him throughout those circumstances- let them see you get on your knees to pray. Let them witness you diving into His word and hear you singing gospel songs. Let them watch you take care of yourself- mentally and physically- as an act of worship. Teach them kindness and grace. Show them that struggling is just a part of the story, but He is greater and His grace is always sufficient.

Kim reminded us that every relationship worth having is worth fighting for. It would be foolish to believe that a relationship with the King wouldn’t also ebb + flow. And let’s be honest, times like this could really test ANY relationship. We live in an uncertain world but don’t let that shake your faith. Keep the news off and the worship music up. Cling to Jesus, love those babies with all your might and count your blessings. Disconnect from the fear because you have a SAVIOR and He has never lost control. Rest and be still. Spend time with + lean on Him. Things may be scary but you know what is after this life- we get to go home! Never forget that we are in a win-win situation. Our hope is not in the government or the media or our stockpile of toilet paper. The coronavirus is just a piece of our testimonies, not the death of hope.

Let’s take this as an opportunity to grow with each other- as mothers, as families, as neighbors. Socially distant does NOT mean isolation or disconnection. We are in this together, even if we cannot physically be together. If you’re having a difficult time coping, please reach out. That’s why we have MOPS, to commiserate! Just kidding. It’s to steer each other toward Jesus and remind ourselves what He has done for us. Hasn’t He always proven to be faithful and take care of us? Let’s count the victories, big and small, together. Now more than ever, we all could stand to listen to some stories of hope and courage and love. Perhaps share your story- you never know, it could be the encouragement someone needs to hear.

~Ashlee~

Mentor Mom Panel

I do not know if you all realize the huge blessing we have at mops. We have mentor moms! Our mentor mom panel was amazing this year (and every year, really), but I feel the need to write how truly blessed we are that God put in their hearts to pour into our lives. The Bible instructs that spiritually mature women (mentor moms) have the responsibility to mentor those women who are less mature (us), and that we (less mature) are to accept training from them (the more mature). Titus 2:3-5 (verses referenced throughout the newsletter are shown at the end). So, if up-to-today you haven’t taken advantage of the huge role they can play in our lives, I urge you to stop and listen, pray for them, and thank them because they make sacrifices for our good. (I am pretty sure they have other things they could be doing on a Tuesday morning other than being there for us!)

I took A LOT of notes on the panel and kept thinking, Man, how can I possibly write about the mentor panel since I am such a mess and have so much to learn! So I decided I am just going to share my notes (with some added commentary). You may know that Heather Weinert is both a note-taker and appreciative of wise instruction, so she has added in some of the notes she took, as well. Here you go!

This is a public blog, so to keep their privacy, I am making their responses anonymous. Things shared at mops stay at mops! If you have questions about a response, reach out to them!

What were your favorite go-to family meals?
Tuna casserole, cracked wheat chicken, and taco casserole.

How do you not lose yourself in being a mom?
Do what you can to keep up with your passions, interests, hobbies, or even career to still be learning while you are a mom. Read books about the interests you have apart from your kids. Try to find a sport or hobby that you can do with your kids. Train others in an area you thrive in so that your kids can see you as an expert that others respect. Keep having fun (I love how they tied it into our theme!) The mops book “What Every Mom Needs” was referenced.

What did you think you did well as a mother?
Figure out the personality of each child; you don’t have to do the same thing with each child because they are all different. Celebrate everything (decorations, food shaped/colored for the theme); life can get boring so make an effort to celebrate (HAVE MORE FUN).
A mentor mom read the entire Bible with her kids. Read a Proverb for each day. Promote humor to express themselves, and let them experiment with it. A mentor mom made her kids learn Latin!(LATIN! How awesome is that? If your household speaks a second language I highly encourage continuing this; it opens so many doors in their lives.)

How do you deal with a pushy mother-in-law?
Don’t give into her way; she is not in charge. If she is in charge, then that's your fault.
One of the mentor mom’s in-laws lived 3,000 miles away! She made it a point to honor her mother-in-law when she visited; this was a way that she blessed her husband during these short visits.
One of our mentor moms said she had a great relationship with her mother-in-law (goals! Gives
us hope it is possible).

How do you keep the spark alive in your marriage?
Put kids to bed early. Date nights once a month and Sunday afternoon “Naps” (I loved this). Shower together with the fan on! Flirt calls (her husband traveled a lot). Spontaneous surprises. Let go of fear and let others take care of the children so you and your spouse can get away together.

Speaking of fear, how do you let go of fear that the kids will turn out ok?
Children belong to God. Trust God with everything that gives you anxiety. 1 Peter 5:7, Philippians 4:6-8. God loves our kids more than we do. Keep giving my worries to God. He is able. If you are high-strung, work at being peaceful. Pray for them when you put them to bed. They make choices that hurt our hearts. Their story is not over, and God can use that story. Do not let the devil paralyze you with fear.

Teenage years advice?
Be available and be very present. Don’t trust them too much, even if they are good kids. Keep them busy so they have less time to do bad things. Question them. Have the hard conversations. Talk with them even if they are bored. Let them know we’re ok with them apart from the pride we have about their good grades/accomplishments/sports. Get to know their friends. Be the house your kids’ friends want to be at; provide good food and snacks. Be suspicious, be alert, and pray!! We have to be able to have heart conversations with them. If they are involved in an activity that is not bringing them joy, let them quit (even if they are good at it), and let them find their joy.

What is the biggest mistake you see young moms making?
Phones are an addiction! And fads; feel free to let them pass. Sleeping with children interferes with intimacy; children at some point are capable of soothing themselves.

How do you keep yourself from losing your temper?
Stop their behavior before you lose your temper. First time obedience (Growing Kids God's way class at BVG breaks this down. Online: growingfamilies.life). We say it once, the next time there’s a consequence.
1, 2, 3 -- If we get to 3 then there’s a consequence.

Balance in protecting without overprotecting
Pray and leave them to God. One of our mentor moms shared she struggles with OCD, so letting them get dirty was a struggle, but she realized it is good for them; getting dirty (even germs!) helps them not to grow up with fears.

How did you find work that matched your kids’ school schedule?
It is important to have some sort of outlet for yourself. Great options for while kids are in school include: a part-time job, selling things from home, teaching, or substitute teaching. Now there are also lots of opportunities for us to take online education courses and to work at online jobs (in education, for example) so you can work at home. Another option to stay at home is to live more simply, barter, grow vegetables, can fruit and vegetables. We can also homeschool other kids and provide after-school care at home.

How do you combine fun with applying discipline?
Discipline is not fun, it does not have to be fun; you don’t have to be their friend. Every child is a sinner, and sin needs to be tamed. Children need healthy boundaries or they get angry.

Chores
Incentive charts help make chores a habit. Make them work for something; teach them a job. Work teaches them that good things happen when we live within boundaries.

Going through rough seasons
One mentor mom mentioned that she prays most mornings with her husband, and this has helped her go through rough seasons. Praying together can help to bond with your spouse and to work through resentments from differing roles in the family.

Marriage has seasons; ride the waves and do not jump ship, it does get better. Use resources around you to reach out when you are in a time of need, such as Bible studies, mops, women’s retreats, Promise Keepers, counseling, etc.
Success is being peaceful. (Romans 12:18)

How do you slow down when there is so much to do?
Kids need time to stretch out their imagination and not be busy all the time. If you realize you are too busy then you need to slow down. We, the adults, are in control! Be intentional to slow down and say no to things. Avoid a lot of extra-curricular activities; stay home. Boredom is a gateway to imagination, exploration, and creativity. Unplug and go camping! Camping gives everyone time to sit around and look at the campfire. Don’t listen to music when you go on a walk, instead download your mind.

One thing we should be asking but we didn’t?
How to overcome grief from a miscarriage. (This was not answered but an invitation was given to reach out if you are struggling with this and talk to someone. Please reach out to any of the leadership team or mentor moms and she can put you in contact with someone who can walk with you through your grief journey.)

Biggest regrets?
No regrets! Don’t feel guilty for what you do or don’t do! Do not dwell on mistakes you have made or think you have made, but look towards the future. Ephesians 1:11, Philippians 3:13.
Project a positive self-esteem about yourself; your kids are watching you! Don’t shame myself in front of them; they hear how we talk about ourselves and to ourselves. Accept compliments with “Thank you.” We have the most effect on our children of the same gender.

Go on your kids’ field trips, including their Washington D.C. trip.
Tell your kids, “You are kind, smart and important.” Hug and cuddle more and give yourself grace.

Only Jesus is perfect, and He came to forgive us. Don’t be hard on ourselves--we love Jesus and we love our kids.

Thank you, panel mentor moms Vickie, Kristin, Wendy, Janet, Michele, and Trina!

Verses referenced (ESV)
Titus 2:3-5 -- “Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to
much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their
husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to
their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”

1 Peter 5:7 -- “casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”

Philippians 4:6-8 -- “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and
supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God,
which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything
worthy of praise, think about these things.”

Romans 12:18 -- "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all."

Ephesians 1:11 -- “In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according
to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will”

Philippians 3:12-14 -- “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press
on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider
that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward
to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ
Jesus.”

~Alis & Heather ~