Noticing Goodness: When There's No Happily Ever After

Ginny Thomas, mentor mom and "mom" to many, shared her story with us at Tuesday's meeting.

She started her story by reminding us that God was present in it; and although it was not necessarily a "happily ever after," hers was a story of hope.

Ginny took care in her life to do what was right; to marry the "right" person, to go to church, to be a good mother and wife to the best of her abilities. But as she soon realized, doing all the right things didn't necessarily equal a perfect outcome.

She was involved in church, Bible study, and had two beautiful children. She was happy in her marriage, loved God, and was thankful for her blessings.

But her world came crashing down when after more than one affair, her husband left their family. She was on her own at that point. It was devastating.

But God was near.

But, God. He was everywhere in her life, from the very beginning. 

I think what struck me most about her story, wasn't the affairs, or the financial stress, or the three jobs she needed to take to support her family...

What struck me was that she actually did Notice Goodness through it.

The impression of her heart over the beat of the story, was that God is good. Always.

The story told was that we are loved. He loves to not only meet our needs and feed our souls, but He longs to bring us joy.

And when Ginny was gifted an anonymous $500 left on her car one day, she saw it as a gift a husband would give to his wife. She said it was like God was saying, "Buy yourself something pretty."

She saw it as an "I love you."

This was the point where my emotions overwhelmed me. 

How often do I interpret life circumstances as inconsistency in God's character? As bad things happen and people hurt me, when those I love abandon me, how often do I assume this is how God must be?

Instead of reflecting feelings of abandon upon God, Ginny gave herself with abandon to Him. 

Ginny's story, though she may not see it as a happily ever after, is actually a narrative of True Love.

Because God.

At the end of her talk, Ginny left us with the lyrics to Blessings by Laura Story, and so I leave this with you as well:

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nightsAre what it takes to know You're near?

And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

Simplify. Organize. Beautify.

Oh, how I love to organize. My childhood bedroom was a minefield of stuff, the floor so messy that only I knew the secret passageway to avoid a booby trap. Yet my closet was impeccably organized into matching labeled boxes, clothes organized by spectrum. There was no danger of falling boxes teetering precariously atop an over-packed shelf. Cleaning my room was a task I did begrudgingly, but I had a system. Clothes and shoes first. Books and papers second. By that point, my room was mostly presentable with only a few miscellaneous items left without a home. 

Simplify.

Throughout my life, I’ve read dozens of books, blogs, and articles about organization. My organization style has changed a lot over the years. What I’ve learned more in recent years is how much better it is to declutter and discard. My big ah-ha moment occurred when I read (somewhere I can’t recall now) that clutter always costs something. 

It costs space – Garages so full we can’t park our cars inside? Attics or closets where we “cram and slam”? Clutter costs the space we have in our homes. 

It costs money – As if our homes aren’t crammed enough, how many of us have extra storage units to house all of our clutter? That costs money. Aren’t most of us constantly buying all the little add-ons and impulse buys (Target dollar spot anyone??). All those Pinterest-worthy knickknacks are only adding to our clutter and taking away from our wallets.

It costs energy – Isn’t it funny how when it comes time to move houses, all of a sudden we realize how much stuff we have? Where does it come from? Does clutter breed while we sleep? (I think it must.) All that energy is spent just moving clutter from one place to another without ever actually dealing with it. 

One book that has really opened my eyes to the idea of only keeping what I truly love is The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying-Up by Marie Kondo. If you were at morning MOPS, you heard me describe the methods recommended in this book.

This book was a revelation to me. The funny thing is, my method of tidying as a child goes right along with this. Instead of location, it instructs you work by category, starting with the least sentimental and working to the most sentimental. What I forgot to mention was the funky “woo woo” part where you thank your possessions as you get rid of them. Yes, that’s right. It’s weird. Why would I do that as a Christian? I thought about it, and what I got was this – As Christians, we need to thank God for all He has given us. We’re called to be wise stewards of our money. Part of why things are difficult to let go is because we spent some of that money that God gave us on these items. Sometimes letting go means we weren’t the wisest with our God’s money. By letting go, and thanking God for His provision of what has become clutter, we can move forward and make wiser decisions in the future. 

Organize.

A cluttered home is a sign of a cluttered mind. Isn’t that so true? For me, if I see a sink full of dirty dishes and I can’t see the kitchen counters, my mind cannot handle the idea of making a healthy meal. I’ll reach for the cookies or the Cheetos and stress eat instead of throwing together a salad kit. Call me crazy, but clutter stresses me out so much that it affects my mind in ways I can’t explain. By taming the clutter and keeping things organized (as much as life allows), I can think more clearly and make better decisions. As women, we’re called to be the managers of our homes. I think sometimes we don’t see how easily our attitudes and frantic behaviors can affect the atmosphere of the entire household. How we manage our homes has a direct and profound influence on our families.

“She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.” – Proverbs 31:27

This is our God-given responsibility as women, wives, mothers… to be the managers of our homes and not to be idle. Idleness, in this verse, does not mean we never sit down or rest (although it might feel that way at times). It simply means not to be lazy. It’s hard work to manage a home! But we are called to point our families to Christ. If our homes are cluttered, crazy messy, and overwhelmed all the time, how will that point our families to Christ?

What if you HATE organizing? Give yourself grace. Give yourself time. Go back to step one. The more you simplify, the less stuff you’ll have to organize. If you’d like more encouragement on Gospel-centered home management, I highly recommend checking out The Homemaking Foundations podcast on iTunes. 

Beautify.

This is the fun part! After all that hard work of clearing out clutter and organizing what we love, we get to beautify our homes for our families and guests. Make your home a haven. Let it be a place where your family wants to be. A place where they can feel refreshed. Consider playing worship music in the background instead of letting the TV drone on in the background. Create quiet and restful places where your family can retreat to read the Bible and pray. We don’t need to have the Pinterest-perfect house to have a beautiful home. If decorating isn’t your thing, ask someone to help you! I know several MOPS moms that DO love to decorate and would LOVE to help you out (I’m looking at you, Mallory). 

It is important to note that many homemakers are motivated by pride. “I know that when I enter someone’s beautiful house it’s easy to let envy and pride take over my heart. I think that decorating your house can be for God’s glory but it all depends on your heart attitude. Be motivated by humility to serve those who come into your house rather than pridefully showing it off. Try and cultivate humility in your thoughts and actions and this will come out in your homemaking.” – Jami Balmet

Make your home a place where your family can flourish fiercely. 

How Can it Be?

I’ve put off writing this blog much longer than I intended…I think a lot of it has to do with feeling a little intimidated and a lot insufficient. I am an anxious person, so my first worry was: “If Erin doesn’t like it, I will be shunned from the church!” That was obviously a harsh generalization of the pastor’s wife, who ended up being so sweet and kind and selfless! I asked a friend, who I would probably call a mentor at this point, and she offered some suggestions and took so much [self-inflicted] pressure off my back. Like our fierce coordinator, Dana, I get my best ideas in the shower. (Sorry, Erin, for being in someone else’s shower thoughts!) I really heard the Lord tell me two things that Erin was trying to convey on Tuesday.

1) God is faithful – even in the strangest, worst, best, whatever circumstances, He. Is. Faithful. God can take your hurts, your happiness, your weird friendships-turn-relationships, your blah days and turn them into something for His glory. Even when you think you’re in the worst or even the best place, God’s not done with you! One of Erin’s life verses was “…being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6). How beautiful it is to know that God’s not done, even when we feel like we are! And honestly, I feel like I’m done much, much more than I’d ever like to admit! Which brings me to Erin’s second point…

2) Every testimony matters – I’m going to be blunt here, I rolled my eyes a bit when Erin described her “apple pie America” life. It was mostly out of jealousy, but also out of my inability to understand or see the bigger picture. I’ve only ever dreamed of an “apple pie America” life/testimony. I was talking with my table leader one night describing some disturbing difficulties I faced as a child and I said, “I seriously thought it was normal – that every family was like that!” So it came as no surprise to me when I took Erin’s ‘easy’ testimony like an unintended jab at my heart. When I get out of my own selfish world and really think about everything, that’s just me being unfair, AGAIN! No one’s testimony is easy, is it? We all have our own struggles and hurts. What matters is what you do with those struggles and hurts.

Finding and believing in God’s purpose for me has always been a difficult task. When you Google “what does the Bible say about purpose in life?” there are COUNTLESS verses! My personal favorite is the beginning of John 15:16, Jesus says, “You did not choose Me, but I chose you!” My husband just shared something with me, “How cool is it that the same God that created mountains and oceans and galaxies and puppies looked at you and thought the world needed one of you, too.” It baffles me every day that God chose me; that He created me, that He sent His Son to die for ME, that I’m that loved by Him!

For those of you who don’t know and don’t follow my personal blog, I’m going through a rough season in my life. Sophia said it best on our MOPS Facebook page: “I needed all of what’s happened to have happened to bring me to my knees.” I’m still learning to let go of resentment and jealousy and pain. I’m still learning to live with my past. A lot of the support and help I’ve received has come to me via people’s testimonies of God’s faithfulness. What I have learned is that it’s equally important to hear about God’s faithfulness in EVERY circumstance, whether it be ‘apple pie’ or painfully broken, so that you know God is constant, even in our erratic, unpredictable world.

-M

A Life that Sizzles and Pops: Celebration and Joy

Somewhere between being a child and an adult, I stopped giving myself permission to enjoy life. I wish I could blame motherhood, I seem to use that as an excuse for a lot of my "difficulties" -- but the sad truth is it happened long before my children. 

If anything, it's my kids that brought me back. Slowly, I started noticing the little things again. The leaves, the flowers, the Christmas lights, the danceability of music... 

But embracing joy and celebrating moments, that's still something I struggle with.

Yesterday, Gretchen Miller began her encouraging talk by reading a quote from Shauna Niequist:

“I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don't want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes. I want to eat cold tangerines and sing out loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing and paint my walls the exact color of the sky right now. I want to sleep hard on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat ripe tomatoes and read books so good they make me jump up and down, and I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift.” 
- Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life

These words were so hard to hear. So many emotions hit me; sadness, happiness, struggle, love, resentment...

That quote describes my 8-year-old daughter, and her love for life and pretty things and the juicy fruits that come with celebrating all the things. And sometimes I hear myself condemning her joy, instead of encouraging it. I value responsibly and "getting things done" over enjoyment.

My reaction to the quote was, So you want the life of a child.

In my head it was said with disgust and judgement. That can't be the life of a responsible adult. You either take life seriously and win, or you play all day and watch everything fall apart. 

And there it is. That's why I'm stressed, and struggle with depression, and why when I fight with my husband I cry, What do you want from me???

And with kindness he says, "I want you to enjoy your life."

You guys. There's so much in my life that's beautiful. Amazing. Blows me away. So much to celebrate, so much music to dance to, food to savor, people to hug, funny to laugh at.

So much.

And yet I tell myself "no" quite a bit. No, you can't have that. No, you can't enjoy that. No, you have work to do.

The other week, my husband came up to me and showed me this on his phone:

It made me laugh so much, and then my heart fell, because I really feel like that when I commiserate about the dishes, or really anything I "have" to do. 

Sometimes though, I stand in the middle of the mess, and remind myself that all the to-do's are my own doing. No one is there telling me what to do. No one is shaming me, or making me lists, or telling me I can't sit down and rest...

I'm doing it to myself. 

Gretchen read Isaiah 55, and focused on the first verse:

"Is anyone thirsty? 

Come and drink --

Even if you have no money!

Come, take your choice of wine or milk --

It's all free!"

The Lord calls us to Him. He calls us to rest, to enjoy, to be nourished. He calls us to have joy. 

Gretchen also encouraged us to do a few things if the "discipline of joy" was a struggle (*raises her hand*):

• Get in the word -- it will change you! Begin in prayer, and think through what is hindering you.
• Find moments to treasure -- they ARE there!
• Start a gratitude journal; this helps us to look back and see the little things we ought to be thankful for.
• Schedule or make time to find joy and celebrate moments; invest in your marriage, invest in your friendships, play music, enjoy your kids, and finally SLEEP and REST.

As we run around getting to-do's and lists completed this holiday season, when the home that we dreamed of and the family we prayed for is threatening to overwhelm us and drive us to the brink of insanity, let's remember to take a moment and...

BURN THE LIST.

Don't do the dishes. Order pizza. Sit on the couch with your kids and watch "Elf" for the tenth time, or throw your brood in the minivan and go look at Christmas lights.

Do something that brings you joy. Do something that makes you laugh, eat food you love, give yourself permission to take a breather. 

Trust that God, in all his goodness, will not allow your life to fall into pieces while you enjoy a moment of peace. He's got you. And you are loved. 

Be blessed, ladies. And Merry Christmas to you. 

Thankful to Not be Alone!

Hi Y'all,

I'm Summur, the one who got up this morning during 'It Works For Me" and shared that nothing is working for me right now. So inspiring, right? I honestly didn't have it in me to share even a simple tip. It has been a really hard week and just making it to MOPs this morning seemed like an impossible feat.

But I am super glad I came.

Right when I got to my table, the sweet sister next to me noticed that I looked sad and asked me how I was doing. Of course I completely lost it. I shared with her how horrible of a time I am having right now and how just last night I took it out on my kids and husband. I told her that I am not being a very good mom or wife right now at all! She shared with me how she had a similar day yesterday, and just her seeing me and acknowledging that she is walking the same road, that I am not alone in this crazy storm called motherhood, was a gift from God for me today. 

Thank you Jesus that I am not alone!

Then it was time to hear the mentor moms. 

Honestly all of these ladies look so perfectly put together and so happy and content, I was seriously wondering how I could even relate to them. But of course, when we judge and compare, God is good to remind us that no one is perfect, that we are all just trying to get through each day the best that we can!

And of course, everyone was so REAL! Thank you Jesus that I am not alone!

Hearing these moms who have been through it, really gone all the way through parenthood and come out the other side and survived and even thrived having raised children who love the Lord, gave me a lot of hope.

Every woman up there had very different lives, different ways the Lord led them to teach and train their children, from simple advice like fewer activities for more family time and making your home the go-to hangout place, to the big dogs like puberty and the dreaded "Birds and the Bees" talk. They all seemed to communicate that there is no one way, no pat answer to how to parent. We all have different paths, different lives and different families. Do not compare your family because God made it unique. Lift up each of your children to Jesus and ask Him to show you how to raise them. Be united with your husband and point your kids to Him!

Thank you Jesus  for the encouragement of these women who did it and are here to tell us we can do it too!

It's Thanksgiving week and I am so thankful for MOPs, for Mentor Moms, and adult women to share life with. I am so thankful that I can go there, and say "You know what? Today is a hard day." What a blessing to be able to just be real, to ask for prayer and not pretend like everything is hunky dory all the time.

So thank you MOPs Sisters. Thank you for showing up and helping me through this rough patch! Thank you for laughing and understanding that I did not have a tip today, and loving me anyway!

Noticing Goodness: Choosing Joy during Pain and Loss

First of all, Melanie, Thank you so much! Thank you for sharing your faith, your hurts, your struggles and how God has used them to shape you into the woman you are today!  Your courage paved the way for the rest of us to share our brokenness, our struggles, and to encourage one another and pray! 

Noticing goodness and choosing joy is challenging because it is so easy to allow ourselves to become consumed by our struggles. Until a couple years ago, whenever hard times hit, I’d completely fall apart, focusing on the negative, angry with God and failing to see any good.  I’d worry, and stress and try to “fix” everything…control has always been a struggle for me, but thank you JESUS that He is a patience and faithful God! 

So, choosing joy among struggles.  Seems simple right? I think, “I can do this. I got this!”  Then 3 seconds later, a child starts screaming, the other two are beating each other into the ground over a Lego the size of my patience, dinner is no where near started (frozen nuggets sound good), and the husband just called saying he’s going to be late tonight.  Awesome.  Forget joy and happy feelings…this mama is done! (Exits stage right) 

Oh, wait.  I can’t leave.  Getting mad and yelling doesn’t seem to help or calm anyone down.  Good times.

Lord, have mercy on me and my sweet babes who’s bedtime just moved to 6:30pm.  Deep breath…3…2…1…

In my life, I’ve never been lacking in struggles or broken moments.  There is always something, and if you feel like your in a safe place, brace yourself.  There have been those world-shattering, fall to my knees struggles like being arrested when I was 18 years old, loosing our first baby just a couple months into our marriage, and having my 2 year old son break his Femur the week of my C-section with my 2nd son.  Then there are those less devastating but still very hard daily struggles.  Balancing my role as wife and mother, not yelling ugly words at the person who just cut me off, having patience with my children when I really just want to lock them in a closet…not to mention, jealousy, selfishness, resentment and bitterness just to name a few.

How can we move from these moments where joy seems obsolete? Thankfulness and being happy aren't usually the first things that pop into my head.  It’s usually “Why God?! Why Me?! Why Now?!” But hindsight is 20/20 right?  As I sit here, trying to figure out how to put my struggles and my heart into words, I think back on all of these difficult, painful times and our gracious God reveals to me how these moments, these struggles are still opportunities to be thankful….to be joyful!  My arrest at 18 years old caused me throw myself at the feet of my Jesus and my faith in Christ is stronger and my relationship with Him, so much more genuine.  When Liam broke his Femur the same week Cohen was born, I had to learn that I’m not SuperWoman, I can’t do it alone and had to rely completely on God and the love of others! Through the good and the bad, my children help draw me closer to God, where I am continuously sanctified. (Isaiah 41:10 “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”)  

So, when we are consumed by these struggles that seem to grip us by the throat, bringing tears to our eyes and clouding our vision, how are we supposed to notice the good? How do we notice God? James 4:8 says “Come near to God and He will come near to you.”  Seems like a good place to start.  Somedays this looks like a glorious hour alone with a hot cup of coffee (only microwaved once) and my Bible open in my lap.  There is time to think, to pray and beseech God.  Other days, just exhaling the name of Jesus is all I can manage.  But as we draw near, He will embrace us, holding tight. 

When we draw near to God, we also have to choose joy! Not only choose, but learn. You don’t just choose joy one day and remain joyful for the rest of your days! If only it set in that quick…wouldn’t that be wonderful!  Now choosing joy doesn’t mean you slap on a false facade either and say “I’m fine. He’s fine. We are just fine.” Don’t ever discredit, conceal or compare your struggles.  True healing and happiness doesn’t come from hiding.  By sharing our stories, like our sweet Melanie did, it allows God to shine through and be glorified…plus there is an added bonus of not having to deal with life's hardships alone!  Mamas, can I get an AMEN?! 

In her book One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp writes about her journey on living out joy in every situation we come across.  She says we have “to learn how to be grateful and happy, whether hands are full or hands are empty…to allow the losses (struggles) to be open places that we can look through the mess of this place and see God.”  

Paul said it first in Philippians…

“I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little.”  Philippians 4:11-12

I am so thankful that we don’t have to have it figured out the first time, and that God allows us time to learn and to grow.  That through each struggle, time of plenty and time of loss, God does not abandon us, but instead He guides and comforts us by giving our pain a purpose even though we may not understand in that moment.  Nothing is a surprise to God. 

The difference between my past trials and the ones that are to come, is that God has better equipped me to handle them.  I now understand that I’m not alone, that God is looking out for my best interest and that depending on how I handle these coming moments, they are either going to shape or scar me….Lord, please let it be shape. 

I am challenging you (and I) that when a trial comes, and it will, that we will draw near to God, fix our eyes on Him, have faith, and choose joy. That when we fall, and we will, remember that we fall into the arms of a loving God who has chosen us, who will hold us tight as we get back up on our knees with thankfulness and renewed strength to better face the next tough moment.  

“Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.” Philippians 4:6-7 (MSG)

There's Hope For Happily Ever After

You know how everyone always talks about “that still small voice” of the Lord speaking to you? Yeah, yesterday was the opposite. The still small voice was a very obvious face-palm of “HEY, MEGAN, PAY ATTENTION AND LISTEN” straight from God delivered through the ever fabulous Rhonda Stoppe. Rhonda gave us some great advice for living a “No Regrets" marriage: peaceful, polite, predictable, purity, pretty, passionate, perfect love. Now I don’t know about you, but I struggle with every single one of those. 

Peaceful…Really? I have a two year old child, a two year old dog, and a husband who thinks he’s two. My house is the farthest thing from peaceful. However, Rhonda made me question the source of the lack of peace. Is it from having a two year old and a dog who love to be mischievous? Or is it because of me? Am I actually the one causing unnecessary strife in my family? I am a grudge holder. I was raised in an unforgiving household and I have, unfortunately, carried that over to my adult life. Romans 12:18 tells us, “So far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.” *sigh*

Polite…I grew up in the south where “yes ma’am, no sir” manners are second nature. The south is all about respect, but when it comes to marriage, I apparently lose all my senses. When you read the commandments of marriage, a husband is commanded to love his wife while a wife is commanded to RESPECT her husband. God knew we, as women, would love and nurture naturally. However, respect is something we must seek daily for our husbands. I have a hard time respecting my husband when I feel like I’m the only one that works 24/7 and I don’t receive any monetary compensation for this crazy job. If he was puked on, peed on, had to wipe butts, and clean up after people at work, he’d probably request a hefty raise. How can I respect someone when they don’t work nearly as hard as I do and they get paid for it?

Predictable…Ha! I laughed out loud at this one. I am so incredibly unpredictable because I am so fueled by my emotions, regardless of how irrational they may be. My husband truly walks on eggshells around me. I can see the hesitation in his eyes anytime I ask him to make a decision. He’s preparing for my angry explosion if he makes the “wrong” choice. In reality, I’m just completely irrational with unpredictable expectations. Some days I want the house spotless, some days I couldn’t care less.

Purity…This has been a struggle for me all my life. “If I hide iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear my prayers” (Psalm 66:18). Basically, if you ruminate on all the wrongs your husband has done, God’s gonna get tired of hearing your complaining. I mean, I can’t speak about what He thinks, specifically, but that’s what this verse says to me. As we’ve already established, I’m a grudge holder. You can deduce how impure my heart is with harsh thoughts and feelings towards those who have done me wrong, namely, my husband.

Pretty…This is another laugh-out-loud one. Although it is nice to look good for your husband and whatnot, that’s not completely what this point was about. I mentioned at my table that MOPS is seriously the only time I wake up and get myself together and looking nice. Luckily for us, 1 Timothy 2:9 says dress nice, modestly, etc., but ALSO “by means of good works as befits a woman making a claim to godliness.” Rhonda spoke about a book that surveyed men about how they viewed women. The majority of men said that if a woman was confident in herself and recognized her self-worth and inner beauty, physical appearance did not matter as much. 

Passionate…This wasn’t so much a laugh-out-loud topic, as it was an internally-screaming-until-I-explode topic. Have sex with your husband. Seriously. Women crave emotional intimacy and love. Men are hard-wired for physical intimacy. A man will never truly be able to explain the deep connection that making love creates. I know this is hard to believe with society today, but given how the Bible speaks on the topic, I’d at least try to believe it. Sex with your husband is affirmation that he is successful and desired. When he signed up to be with you forever, he agreed to want only you and love only you. Don’t make him regret that decision by withholding intimacy from him. What would you do if he just didn’t care about how you receive intimacy and closeness from him? I think I’m going on three weeks without having sex with my husband. We’ve been going through a rough season, on top of illness. Maybe that’s why he seems so angry at me every day.

We’ve talked about steps to take to live a No Regrets Marriage, but I think the real application is in the last tip: Perfect Love. 

Perfect love comes only from our perfect Creator. I’m going to be real with you here because I really believe healing comes from truth. A few MOPS moms have watched me struggle with identity crisis, trying to find my worth in God instead of people. Rhonda Stoppe really spoke directly to my heart when she said that we put our husbands on a pedestal. We expect them to fill us and love us and be something to us that they were never designed to be. I think this is especially true for my situation. Most of my fights with my husband are about how I don’t think he did something the right way or he didn’t think of me when he did it. I expect him to love me in a way that is not possible for him. I expect him to be completely selfless and giving. 

While I know that God calls us to be Christ-like, I often forget that perfection from my husband is unattainable. I forget that I am not perfect either. I think that IF Ben was perfect, IF he did this or that, THEN I could be better, too. What I need to realize is that’s not the truth. 

*Deep breath*….Given my past and my chronic struggles of identity, I decided start going to Celebrate Recovery at Big Valley. I do not share this for sympathy or attention. I share this because I know how bad things have been for my marriage. I know how badly my pride has hindered our growth as a couple, especially towards Christ. I know how badly I need help. I know how close we have teetered towards divorce. Celebrate Recovery is not just about alcohol or chemical dependency. The tag line is ‘hurts, habits, and hang ups.’ I have never learned how to get over my past hurts. I have terrible habits of outbursts of anger, sometimes violent. I am hung up on not knowing my identity in Christ. In CR and in MOPS I have been told over and over again to love God above all else. When you love God with all that you are, His perfect love will flow from you. This is extremely hard for me. I have never had an extended exposure to Christ-centered marriages. I haven’t seen how others love God first and then love for their spouse comes second. Rhonda Stoppe said, “The secret to a happy marriage is not how much you love your husband, it’s how much you love your Lord.” 

I know every single person reading this has been hurt by someone they love dearly, someone they would die for, maybe you haven’t forgiven them. We all need to remember this, no matter how badly they have hurt you, how deep your wounds, it will never compare to our transgressions against our Father. It will never compare to the wounds inflicted upon Him. Yet, He loves us. He died for us. He FORGIVES us. If God can do that for us time and time again, especially with how deep we have wounded Him, can’t we forgive our husbands for not being perfect? Can’t we remember that our worth is in the One who gave His life for us? Can’t we remember that, though our husband is our life partner, our eternity is found in loving Christ above all else?

“When loving God becomes your passion, loving your husband for who he is – and not who you want him to be – will become a natural outpouring of your love for Christ. – Rhonda Stoppe

I love you all so much!

-Megan

PS: God revealed this verse to me multiple times yesterday, so for anyone that needs it, know that mercy and love will be found from MOPS, even if your faith is wavering. Trust me, mine has and you loved me anyway.

Jude 1:22 “And you must show mercy to those whose faith is wavering.” 

If you’re having a hard time trusting God or seeking Him, reach out. You don’t have to do this alone.