I have struggled my entire life with seeking to gain control. I have had a life where things have been very unpredictable. I’ve experienced a lot of loss and sadness related to things so far out of my control while enduring a lot of physical, emotional, and spiritual pain. There’s this part of me that thinks, “If I can just control this aspect, things will be better.” Abusive father, parents’ divorce, single mother raising me, brother battling cancer, tumultuous family relationships, friendships abruptly ending, abusive relationships with boyfriends, miscarriages, battles with mental illness, brother dying, autoimmune disease, children with health issues... all these things I have ZERO control over. But, that doesn’t mean that at most times I didn’t fight tooth and nail to gain control in nearly all these situations.
I grew up in a Christian household, accepted Christ at a very young age, went to church, went to Christian schools, was involved in church activities and missions. I grew up knowing God was in control, but I always had trouble giving up my control to Him. I had no problem giving Him my prayer requests and my praises, but I couldn’t give up control. WHY?! Do I know better or do I think I can do better than God, just because I think my circumstances “should” be different or that “I don’t deserve this”? I used to question why these things kept happening. Hadn't I been through enough?! I had this expectation that I deserved a break from the hardships. After my brother’s death, I began to accept that God was using these moments to teach me, shape me, grow me, or use me for his greater good. Well, at least I thought I did. I know that in my heart of hearts because the Holy Spirit is screaming it to me, but I still struggle daily with seeking to control.
Surrendering to God is the ultimate act of faith and the most daring and brave thing you can do in your walk with Him. Think of the freedom of not feeling the burden or pressure to control every situation. To let yourself off the hook from thinking everything is up to you. God asks us to cast our cares and burdens upon him. What are we missing out on by distracting ourselves with what we think we can/should be able to control? Where could that energy be better spent? What message are we missing when our focus is on unhelpful expectations and the need to control?
Being a mother is the hardest job. You wear many hats as a mother. You love so fiercely. You experience 257 emotions every day. The second you become a mother, you are transformed. It is no longer about you. Everything you do is for your child. Their needs surpass your own. You would do anything for your child. You are exhausted. You struggle with the dreaded mom guilt, feeling like you are constantly falling short. You are being tested each and every day by these little blessings that make you want to cry and pull your hair out while simultaneously making your heart melt. But God chose YOU to be the mother to your child. Motherhood is the perfect lesson in control. That is, you have very little control over your child. You can do all the right things, but your little human is a being with free will. You can provide the perfect sleeping environment, but it’s up to your child to sleep. You can provide all the right foods, but it’s up to your child to eat. You can teach them and train them in ways that they should go, but it’s up to them to make the right choices. You are not in control of your child’s life. That statement can be terrifying. Your child is your heart walking around outside of your body and it can be tremendously difficult to see them experience pain or difficulties or struggles. I say all this, not to discourage or be a bummer. I say all of this because I feel motherhood is the ultimate lesson and tool that God uses to refine us. We need not worry or fear because He is in control.
Motherhood has brought me to my knees more times than in my entire life before having children. I have given my concerns, my worries, my anxiety, my fears, my struggles, my transgressions, my pleas, my desires... I have laid them all before him. But why do I still struggle with feeling like I still need to control everything? Maybe it’s just part of my personality- that strong willed, controlling 8. I still hold onto a piece of those things I lay before Him. I struggle with full surrender. But God continues to work in my life. He continues to use the daily struggles of life and motherhood to refine me. He brought me MOPS. He brought me to the blog team. He brought me this message. He is using the Holy Spirit to scream at me that I need to not just give him my worries and strife, but truly and fully surrender them to Him. I need to let them go... *cue Frozen sing along!* When I truly surrender, He brings me encouragement and restores my soul. There are so many challenges in motherhood, I don’t want my worries and constant need to control to add to the difficulties. I don’t need my load to be any greater. I need that weight lifted off my shoulders and to let things go when I give them to God. I need to be bold, be daring, and daringly surrender. I want to be still knowing that my God is bigger than any problem or worry I have. He is always in control. I need only be still and listen and trust that when I surrender to him, He has me exactly where he wants me to be and will guide me through this thing we call life.
-Heather G.
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