I've been trying to decide what to blog on this topic, you guys. It doesn't seem like enough to just give you a summary. Miriam Deuel gave a fabulous talk about marriage and sexuality and keeping the fire alive with our husbands. It was good stuff. I took a lot of notes. And there was a list of resources with several amazing books to help us along on this journey.
I'm not really going to say more on that, because she said it, and hopefully you were there and heard it. So what I'm going to do is just say some stuff and things, and hopefully you will nod along; and if you don't, that's ok too.
I want to start with something honest about myself. I was not a virgin before I got married. And my husband was not my "first."
There is a lot of stress involved in that for me. I grew up in a Christian home, so maybe it surprises you, but I hope it doesn't. Because more often than not I find it's not something as uncommon as it is unspoken. I'm surrounded now by a church family and close friends to whom I don't speak openly on this topic. Partly it's embarrassment, but mostly it's just that my past sexual experiences differ from theirs.
And that's ok. Life is complicated, and sex is too. The search for what is ideal and good is a wonderful thing, but that we ever can reach or attain God's idea of perfection is just never going to happen here on earth. We are flawed. We are sinful. We rebel. And I have a feeling no matter what your state of virgin-ness was when you got married, having sex with your husband wasn't as simple a thing as you anticipated.
Fast forward to my own marriage. Were there struggles? Are there struggles? Absolutely. Marriage is hard. Sex is a challenge, but it's also the best gift we've been given. I've had to rethink what sex means to me and it's role in my marriage. I've had to reexamine my sexuality as a wife and as a woman. It's a process, but like Miriam challenged us to do, I fought for it. Please fight for this. Because however sex began for you, for better or for worse, it should end well, shouldn't it? God made it for us, and it's something we can and should do often in a healthy marriage.
And we should enjoy it.
Ladies, imagine that for a little while, you literally forget you have several kids and a mortgage. You forget that 2 hours prior all you felt like was a mommy or a servant. You put aside the stress, and all the stuff that's on your mental to-do list, and you let yourself enjoy sex, darn it! Whether it's for 3 minutes or 30 minutes, you are his lady and he is your man.
Which leads me to something else I'd like to say: don't get caught in the wife-trap. I'm talking about the trap where you put all of the sexual needs on your husband and forget that you have needs too. It's really easy, because men "need it more" than we do, right?
First, I wonder if that's really always the case. We get distracted, yes, but our needs remain constant. I really do have to be honest with myself, and admit that I am not thinking about love making on a daily basis. I probably think more about feeding my baby, planning my day, getting my kids to school on time, etc, than I do about my husband. But this doesn't mean I don't need sex too, just that I need reminders. Good thing husbands are great at reminding... But I digress.
Secondly, is it fair (to him) to compartmentalize sexual needs in our marriages? Is it fair for me say his need is greater, therefore I do it for him? Or that he needs it more, so I must do it more? I doubt men want us to be intimate with them per an obligation. A good man doesn't want obligatory sex; he want to make love with his wife. He wants you to enjoy having sex with him. I've had to have a few awkward conversations with my husband to really understand what he and I both need. It's not always comfortable, but it's worth it because I really love my husband and our marriage.
I choose good sex. Can I do that? Yes, I can. You can too. I allow it.
Just kidding. Sorry I've delved into an awkward space and I'm getting silly. But seriously, you do almost have to give yourself permission to love sex. Especially since we have experiences that may not have allowed that before. Give it all you have. Don't hold back. Do it for your husband, yes, because he loves it and you.
But in the midst of giving, I hope you truly get it.
Get it, girl.
P.S. The 3 Days Rule is a real thing. Science. Biology. I haven't found any scientific studies to back this one up, but I think it's fairly accurate.
P.P.S. You should ask your husband for his input on this topic. Have an awkward conversation about the 3 Days Rule, about his needs, about how sex is an emotional release/need for him. Not all men are the same, so ask about his individual thoughts here. He will love it.
P.P.P.S. Happy Valentine's Day!